How to Get Published

by Jim Gamble

Out of the blue a few weeks ago, the president of a service club I attend asked who had written a book. Hesitantly, five of the hundred business people present raised their hands as if they had done something wrong. He then, in subsequent weeks, asked for book reports. Here’s mine, mainly using a series of quotations:

Edward Gibbon summed up my background saying,

“Un-provided with original learning, uninformed in the habits of thinking, and unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.”

Gene Fowler 1890 -1960, then explained in detail how it’s done,

“Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.”

Having never written a line of fiction (except in loan applications), I needed help. Others in our SFN writers group assisted when I told them what Fred Allen said, “You write so well you make me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.”

All writers should understand there are pitfalls that should be avoided. Samuel Johnson wrote, “Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.”

And Ambrose Bierce went on to say, “The covers of this book are too far apart,” which applies to my just completed work.

And Russell Lynes cautioned journalists when he said:

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Bobby Knight, never a fan of the press said. “Everyone learns to write in the second grade. Most people go on to greater things …”

People frequently ask why writers do what they do. H.L. Mencken tried to explain the reasoning when he said, “Why authors write I do not know. As well ask why hens lay eggs or why a cow stands patiently by while a farmer burglarizes her.  ”

And Goethe was spot on when he clarified, “When ideas fail, words come in very handy.”

The following is a quotation that sums up the whole subject:

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

My audience looked blank until I told them Cicero provided that wisdom 2100 years ago.

The whole presentation didn’t take more than four minutes, and I’m sure those present appreciated that I didn’t talk much about my new book.

Tags: Humor, writing humor

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